The headstone for Dwayne's grave was finally laid down. They really did a beautiful job. The train is one that Dwayne built as a birdhouse. It is surreal to think that one day my body will lay on the right hand side of his. Seeing these pictures made me think about the time since he died and how life has changed. It's been 7 months now. What was so fresh in August has dulled to an occasional thought. It concerns me that his death seems as though it were so long ago, much longer than 7 months. I didn't see him all that often in life. Now in death, I'm afraid that he might fade even further. I'm only 34. Lots of years to live yet, God willing. But that means that for the majority of my life, I will not have a brother. If his image is fading already, what will I have left in 30, 40, 50 years? The vague notion that I once had a brother that was a part of my life but I can no longer remember? Dwayne wasn't an easy person to get to know. He was very quiet and didn't make friends easily. Maybe the issue is that I just didn't know enough about him to sear a feeling or impression of him into my brain. I think in the grand scheme of things, that is truly tragic. We should at least connect with the important people in our lives that we can conjure up an image, a feeling, a memory,
an emotion of that person. That mixture of thoughts and feelings should be like a time stamp on our heart, something that is powerful enough to be instantly recognizable as belonging to one distinct individual. A culmination of every experience, memory, or emotion connected to them.
I also suffer regret that Reese will most likely not remember him. That's especially sad to me because I've had the experience of having family members die when I was young or before I was born. I often wonder what my grandfather was like, for instance. All I know about him comes second hand and I've often thought that we would not have gotten along. But relationships are complex things and they are different in different situations between different people. My grandfather might have treated me so kindly that I would have overlooked our disagreements about life and religion. Or maybe not. But I'll never know for sure and that uncertainty I carry with me as part of the person that I've become.
I saw Dwayne do things that surprised me in the year before his death. He was excited to see Reese and actually gave him hugs. He thought enough of Reese to dig that jeep out of the trash to fix up for him. Who knows, with time maybe Reese would have pulled Dwayne out of his shell a little. I wonder what kind of questions Reese will ask one day about his Uncle Dwayne. And what my answers will be....
